Things I Wonder About

- Why was Michael Jackson known around the world as the "King of Pop," when he hadn't produced a bona fide megahit in, what, twenty years?

Shouldn't someone else have been given that title eventually? Say, when he started being accused of doing inappropriate things with young boys? That might have been a good time for a palace revolt. Or is Michael going to be like Elvis, another King given the royal treatment even after his death?

Has anyone stopped to think maybe that's why Prince gave up his moniker, preferring to be known instead as a symbol? Perhaps he realized he would never ascend to the throne so he gave up his position in the royal family. Then he reconsidered, and decided being a prince might not be so bad, after all, given the alternatives.

No offense intended to Michael Jackson fans, just wondering.

And when Michael named his son "Prince," was that because he was a big fan of the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince? Or was it because he was known as the "King of Pop," and so now with his death, his son should be renamed "King?"

Again, just wondering.


- Why was it such a big deal when the news came out that American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert was gay?

The "American Idols" tour got under way this past weekend, and it made me think about the breathless coverage that was given to Lambert's admission concerning his sexual orientation a few weeks ago. Maybe it was just me, but it seemed kind of, I don't know, obvious.

And who really cares anyway? The guy can sing, that's for sure, and he's a natural showman, so he's got a bright future, it seems. It's not like you were going to date him anyway.


- Is it really true that you're as young as you feel?

Because, I have to tell ya, that sounds like a lot of happy-crap bullshit to me. I think it's the sort of thing old geezers tell other old geezers when they don't want to own up to the fact that they have to get up six times a night to pee and it takes thirty minutes every morning to limber up enough to climb out of bed. After all, it wasn't a twenty year old in that commerical screaming, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

I only mention this because I turn (shudder) fifty in a couple of months and I'm not quite sure how to act. On the one hand, I will become eligible for my AARP card, and we all know what kind of political power that special interest group wields. Plus it will be kind of cool to get my Dunkin' Donuts coffee at a discount.

On the other hand, I remember how bummed out I was when I turned forty, and now forty years old seems practically like a teenager. Granted, that was like ten years ago, so I barely remember it, but still, I figure I'm going to be plunged into an even deeper abyss of depression at being fifty. After all, if a picture of health like Billy Mays can't survive past fifty, what chance does a couch-potato slug like me stand?


These are just a few of the things I wonder about. Undoubtedly there are others, but with impending old age staring me in the face, I seem to have forgotten what they are, which I suppose could be a good thing. Don't worry, though, I'll fill you in on the others when you're standing in line behind me at Dunkin' Donuts. I'll be the elderly gentleman with the confused look on his face.