Pssst - Hey You, Wanna Be My Friend?

I like to consider myself a social networking pro now. After all, I've been on Myspace and Facebook since July and in those four months have become "friends" with over 400 people, only a small percentage of whom I actually know.

When I decided to get serious about my writing, my wife, who always seems to be about three steps ahead of me - not that that's a shocking accomplishment - informed me that I needed to get online at the two networking sites, and within a day or so had me up and running.

Or in my case, crawling. I'm not so out of touch that I hadn't heard of Myspace and Facebook, but I honestly had never considered the possibility that I could ever have a page. I thought those sites were places where teenagers went to plan their weekends and creepy stalkers went to do the stuff you spend so much time warning your kids about.

Turns out there are lots of people just like me! Of course, most aren't quite as terminally square, but still, there are writers of all levels of accomplishment, most of whom are only too happy to let another person into the group. The best part of a virtual site is no one can see you standing off in the corner intimidated by everyone else - you're just there, proving the truth of the expression, "Wherever you go, there you are."

I spend most of what little time I have to go online on Myspace rather than Facebook, only because Facebook seems a little less intuitive to use for a Luddite like me. I suppose that makes sense. When I proudly told my seventeen year old daughter how proficient I was on Myspace, she responded breezily, "Oh, my friends and I mostly use Facebook; we hardly ever go on Myspace."

Figures. Even in the digital age, my kids have left me behind.

Privilege and Responsibility

I wasn't planning on voting today.

As a life-long conservative, who has spent the last twenty years or so as a member of the Republican Party, the prospect of voting for Senator John McCain has struck me as more than a little unpalatable ever since it became clear early in the summer that he would be the Republican nominee.

My dissatisfaction with the Republican Party has reached the point where I am seriously considering changing my pilitical affiliation to Independent, as it was in my younger days. The party of small government now seems to be filled with weak-willed men and women who refuse to make the fiscally responsible decisions necessary to ensure the financial stability of this country; instead making ill-advised choices that are based on something other than the best interests of this country.

You may or may not know I am employed as an FAA air traffic controller. What this Republican administration has done to the career to which I have devoted my entire adult life is shameful. It is hard for me to imagine any legitimate argument for air-traffic control as anything other than an inherently governmental enterprise, much like law enforcement and fire protection.

And yet, under this administration, the mantra of "Running it like a business" has been enthusiastically adopted, resulting in the trampling of employees rights, and the unprecedented (and I believe illegal) payment of COLA's which have the effect of drastically slashing my retirement income, among many other offenses. All in the name of "Running it like a business." A business that produces no tangible product - other than safety.

If you disagree, simply ask yourself this question: When I am flying to Disney with the kiddies for my vacation, and there are thunderstorms everywhere and the air carrier jet I'm riding in has lost an engine and dozens of airplanes are surrounding mine like mosquitoes at a spring barbecue, do I want the lives of myself and my precious loved ones in the hands of the lowest bidder? I wouldn't.

Anyway, this illustrates the depth of my disgust with the Republicans in Washington. On the other hand, could I really bring myself to vote for Senator Barack Obama, the man who has steadfastly promoted himself to an America sick of George W. Bush as an agent of change, without really specifying what sort of change he's talking about?

You see, Senator Obama has forged a record during his short stay in the United States Senate as the most liberal member of that body. More so than Hilary Clinton, more so than Edward Kennedy, more so than John Kerry. If you consider yourself a liberal, that's wonderful, but for a conservative like me, it provides no legitimate alternative to Senator McCain. The funny thing is, my disgust with the Republican Party is so complete that had the Democrats nominated a more centrist candidate I would most certainly have voted for him or her.

So I was going to sit this election out.

Then I began thinking about all the young men and women serving thousands of miles away in foreign countries most of them probably knew nothing about until they were assigned to go there.

I started thinking about the thousands upon thousands of Americans who have given their lives defending the Constitution of this country, oftentimes while disagreeing personally with the policies that led to their deployment.

I started thinking aout my own father, who served long ago in a war and saw things that, right up to the day he died, he refused to talk about. Ever.

I started thinking about all that stuff and I realized that it would be an insult to the memories of every single one of them for me to stay home today; that I would be disrespecting everyone who has spilled his or her blood in this or another land so that I could be guaranteed the opportunity to cast a ballot in a free election.

So I voted.

I voted with a reluctance that I have never felt in the twenty-eight years since I became eligible to do so. I voted because even though the choice in this Presidential Election, in my opinion, is between two campaigns who will both take this country in the wrong direction, I have discovered that I believe strongly in the notion of voting as a privilege as well as a civic responsibility. It is not just for those partisans who are rah-rahing their candidate on to victory, but also for those of us who maybe have to hold our noses this election cycle when we enter the voting booth.

I voted because I have a child who is participating in her first presidential election, and two more who wil participate in their first presidential elections next time around. I don't want them to look at their dad as a non-participant in the process that is so special and so important.

It wasn't easy, but I voted. And if you are a veteran, thank you. And if your father or mother or husband or wife or son or daughter or neighbor or cousin is a veteran, please thank him or her for me.

And whoever wins this election, congratulations. When the celebrating and crowing is over, come January, 2009, please, please, please put this country first.

Cue the Music

You know what would be really convenient? If you had a sound track attached to your life, like the characters on TV and in the movies.

I was watching Mr. Deeds on DVD - hey, don't judge me, okay? - and it was nice knowing just beforehand when Adam Sandler was going to do or say something heartwarming; you knew it was coming thanks to the sappy music that started playing.

Imagine if you had the benefit of that advantage in the real world! As someone who has been involved in a couple of car accidents in my life, I can tell you it would have been really handy if that jagged music you hear on cop shows (You know, the tense background music that clues you in on the fact someone is about to get shot) had started playing just before I hit that patch of ice on I-95 or that lady came around the corner much too fast and smashed into the back of my car.

Or how about this: A laugh track? Anyone who has ever launched into a joke at a party before remembering that it wasn't really all that funny the last time you told it would appreciate the unfair advantage sitcom folks have from the canned laughter that reminds everyone at home that what they're watching is supposed to be, you know, funny. There's no such reminder at parties, which is one big reason why I don't like parties much.

Let's face it, it's really easy to be sensitive and wise when you have violins playing in the background to let everyone know you're about to say something profound, and it's a lot easier to be the life of the party when everyone is roaring at whatever you say, whether it's really worthy of their laughter or not.

Who knew there was so much to be learned from Mr. Deeds?

Keeping us Safe From the Sausage Menace

With all of the really big news - the presidential election just one week away, the continuing free-fall in the stock market despite the $700 billion bailout that you will pay for, not to mention your children and your children's children - it would be easy to understand how you may have missed this headline, from the Associated Press Monday night:

"Spicy Pork Sausage Found in 'Soiled Diapers'"

Maybe you have more willpower than I do. Maybe you could read that teaser and just move on to more stories involving the mudslinging between the two guys running for president, both of whom have taken the art of negative campaigning to new depths. But I'm just not that strong. As soon as I read that headline I had to learn more.

You see, I'm something of an expert on diapers. My wife and I raised three children and now I babysit my granddaughter five days a week, so it would not be a stretch to say I've seen more "soiled diapers" than anyone should. Sometimes I think I might be suffering from Post-Traumatic Diaper Disorder, also known as Baby Battle Fatigue. Plus I'm rapidly approaching the age where I'll be back in diapers myself.

So when I read that, shall we say, descriptive headline, my first thought was undoubtedly the same as yours. How much would you have to pay me to dig through some kid's dirty diapers? I have no idea how much money a U.S Customs and Border Protection Agent makes, but I guarantee it's not enough for me to perform that dirty deed.

Reading the story, though, it turns out the diapers weren't actually "soiled," they just looked that way. What appeared to be...well..."baby soiling" was actually chorizo, or spicy sausage! Score one for the forces of Truth, Justice and the American Way. Who knows how much damage could have been done to the fabric of our society had these wily sausage menaces been allowed to waltz into this country?

Don't you wonder about that conversation at the border though? "Do you have anything to declare, ma'am?"

"Why yes. Yes I do. I'd like to declare these soiled diapers."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm declaring my baby's soiled diapers."

"That's a load of crap!"

"Exactly."

Wow. I'm afraid we're in deep...well...you know.

The Time Has Come to Make a Choice

It is becoming increasingly obvious that we, as Americans, are on the verge of making a choice that is going to affect us for generations. The repercussions of the decision we make will reverberate like the ripples a pebble makes when tossed into the water of a pond - relentless, with consequences potentially unimaginable.

You have listened to each party make its' case. Sometimes they both make sense; sometimes neither. Each one looks palatable, but the fact of the matter is that the time is rapidly approaching when you must choose sides; when you must come down firmly in one camp or the other.

The battle has been brewing for a long time. The stakes are high. I'm talking, of course, about the choice every American is faced with every single day, as we go off to work or to school, or even as we relax after a long and difficult day: Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts?

In a perfect world, the two could coexist peacefully side by side, but of course nothing is so easy. Each one covets the coffee-swilling patrons of the other; each wants to lure the caffeine-addicted souls of America into their camp for the long haul.

As a coffee drinker myself - a coffee addict, I suppose would be a reasonable description - I am faced with this dilemma every single day. I love Dunkin' Donuts, have been a loyal patron for decades. You know how their commercials say they serve something like one hundred million cups of coffee a day? Ten million of those are to me.

But here's the problem - Starbucks patrons seem to look down their noses at those of us who go to good old Dunkins. A co-worker of mine says Dunkin' Donuts coffee tastes like ass. The obvious question would be, "How do you know?" but who wants to hear the answer to that?

So I've made my choice; I made it a long time ago in fact. I hate to be viewed as somehow square or behind the times, but I accept the fact that that will be the case regardless of what kind of coffee I drink. I take solace in the fact that I don't have to try to remember the difference between a "vente" and a "grande" - at DD, they don't do any of that highbrow foreign language nonsense. It's large and medium, just like the coffee gods intended. Even Joe Plumber can understand that.

Where do you fall in this debate? Remember, the future of the world as we know it is hanging in the balance. The choice is yours; the responsibility is awesome and frightening. Good luck.

Why You Should Write That Book

I read an interesting blog post a couple of days ago about how it's really not a great use of your time to write a book. More specifically, this post listed reasons why it's a waste of time trying to get a book deal.

Basically, the blog author stated the following (I'm paraphrasing her points here):

1) If you think you have a lot of good ideas for a book, you should write a blog instead, because there are very few new ideas.

2) A book is not a good way to gain authority.

3) Books lead to speaking careers, but speaking careers don't necessarily lead anywhere.

4) You'll make more money per hour flipping burgers than writing a book, since the odds against your book becoming a bestseller are "absolutely terrible."

5) When you're feeling lost, a book won't save you.

I cheerfully admit I'm not exactly Albert Einstein, okay? I'm no kind of a genius. But none of those five reasons is even in the same neighborhood as the reasons why I write - Hell, I'm not sure I even understand some of them. Please stay with me as I examine each one individually. Thanks, mom.

1) The post's author seems to be saying that if you have a lot of ideas, none of them would be good for a book, so you should just write a blog.

Has anyone broken this news to Stephen King? He is one of the most prolific authors of this or any other era, and whether you like his style or the genre he writes in, his success is indisputable. How many enjoyable hours would his millions of fans have been deprived of if Stephen King had simply written a blog? The same statement can be made of dozens of authors in every genre. I don't get the point.

2) I don't write to "gain authority," I write to entertain. Period.

I have to laugh when I read the old nugget of wisdom that says, "You should only write what you know." If everyone followed this advice, only serial killers would write about serial killers, you know? And as far as Stephenie Meyer's critically acclaimed vampire series is concerned; well, unless there is some really strange stuff gong on in the Meyer household, those books would never have been written if she followed that advice.

3) Speaking careers? Who the hell writes a book to launch a speaking career?

If a speaking career follows the release of a successful book, that's cool, but most of the people I have met who are successful writers - and I'll grant you it's a pretty small sample, but still - would much rather be pounding away on a keyboard than standing up on a podium talking at people anyway.

4) This might be the best point of all five. In my opinion, it's the only one that even makes any sense. If you're writing a book with the expressed intention of creating a bestseller and gettting rich, it's almost certainly not going to happen. Of course, every single author you know and love had to start out unknown, too, so it could happen.

But even if not one of my novels ever sells, even if I end up making not one red cent off of them, I won't have considered the hundreds of hours I spent writing and rewriting and editing and rewriting to be wasted time. I am happiest when I'm writing - in those magical times when a world I have created is coming to life on a page, and characters are doing things that are extraordinary and surprise even me - no amount of money generated from flipping burgers could ever compete with that, not even if I turned into Dave Tomas and Ray Kroc combined. Especially now, since they're both dead. But I digress.

5) I'm not even sure I get what the point of this one is. It seems to be that writing a book won't give your life direction; but what if the direction your life needs is writing that book? What is so hard to understand about that?

So write that book. No, you probably won't get rich from it; you may not even ever sell it. Perhaps no one but your closest confidants will ever see it. That doesn't make it a waste of your time. Not by a long shot.

If You Don't Worry About a 105 Temperature, When Do You Worry?

To say it's been a while since I've had a baby would be an understatement. My kids are 20, 17 and 15, so you can do the math, right?

But now that my granddaughter is running around this little house (and that's not just a figure of speech, she's twenty months old and just about her favorite thing in the world to do is run), it's all come rushing back - the diapers, the little tiny forks and spoons and dishes, the baby smiles and the baby cries, the toys scattered all over the living room floor.

One thing I had forgotten about having a baby is how difficult it is when the baby is sick. My granddaughter is twenty months old and has some sort of viral infection. Her temperature is spiking close to 105 degrees and she alternates from feeling okay and being close to her normal self to being weak and lethargic and very ill.

The last two days have seen her make two trips to the emergency room and two more trips to the pediatrician's office. The medical professionals say that there's nothing they can do for her and not to worry, that this will pass eventually and she will be fine. I'm no doctor, I don't even play one of TV, but how can you not worry about a temperature of nearly 105? This baby is tiny and that's a dangerously high fever!

Being a grandfather, you would think that I would be removed from most of the worry that goes along with having a very young child. In this case, though, she lives in our house in her mom's room while her mom goes to college. Right now she is at the hospital with her mom (my daughter) and her grandmother (my wife).

I'm sitting here with the phone next to me waiting for some word about how she is doing. It's not easy.

Don't get me wrong, I believe the doctors have a handle on what she is going through and that she really is going to be okay, but it's hard to watch your baby suffer, and I have to watch my baby watch her baby suffer. It sucks.

If you're reading this, spare a prayer if that's your thing - or at least a thought, if prayer's not your thing, we're not fussy - for a little tiny girl who doesn't even understand what is happening to her. I'm sure she would appreciate it. I certainly do.